This year marks Barbie’s sixtieth anniversary. To celebrate this milestone, we present a New York magazine–style sex diary, as written by some kid’s Barbie doll. 9:00 A.M. Another beautiful summer day. I can already tell that it’s going to be a great one. I peek out of my one-bedroom condo (O.K., Rubbermaid tub) and see that Shana’s got the convertible out, and she’s filling the trunk with M&M’s. You know what that means—road trip! 9:15 A.M. Shana grabs Ballet Wishes Barbie and me, and she shoves us into ball gowns, no shoes. There are never any shoes, because Chompy ate them all. I hate that dog. Today, Shana names us Tiffany and Princess MacKayla. We’re ready to ride! 9:40 A.M. After some aimless hallway cruising, we park on the edge of Shana’s mom’s bed for a picnic. Shana bonks M&M’s against our mouths, then eats them herself. Next, she flips our gowns over our heads, puts our legs into splits, and bashes our exposed crotches together. Clack clack clack. Sadly, with my dress over my face, I can’t take in the cliffside view of the master bedroom! 3:00 P.M. Well, this again. I’m fully nude, hanging from the closet doorknob by a scrunchie. My name is Vanessa now. As I d...